Life, right now.

I’m applying for cabin crew… for what I don’t know but at least flying away takes the pain away. Right?

Today was great- Kelvin tan comes pick me, make a round turn when we were already on the highway to pick up JR, then the hippie couple. Kelvin Tan is really a good guy, note to all the single ladies excluding me cuz I’m his friend- I was puking cuz by the time we reached Jaz’s place it was 10.30pm and he picked me up at 9.18pm.

Supper, damn fun, over dim sum. Laughter, good food and friends.

Kelvin really is so funny. Jr is alluring in his quiet presence- like how he was seething mad when traffic was slow to a crawl and he kept quiet. His driving is better than Kelvin Tan who drives at 60mph.

Home, baby shat his whole diaper.

*

Hey. I have a crush suddenly.

Is this an answer or more questions shall lead? Right now, I’m crazy over him thinking nonstop. What the hell.

All I want to do is to hold his hand with the song My Love stuck in my hand.

I can see us holding hands,
Walking down the beach
Our toes in the sand.

These hormonal changes have got to stop. Yesterday I was depressed and today I am infatuated.

Beautiful- Eminem

[Intro]
Lately I’ve been hard to reach
I’ve been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone
Are you calling me
Are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me
I’m reaching out for you

[Verse 1]
I’m just so fucking depressed, I just can’t seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump,
but I need something to pull me out this dump
I took my bruises, took my lumps, fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up,
in order for me to pick the mic back up
I don’t know how or why or when, I ended up in this position I’m in
I’m startin’ to feel distant again, so I decided just to pick this pen
Up to try to make an attempt to vent, but I just can’t admit
Or come to grips with the fact that I may be done with rap,
I need a new outlet
And I know some shits so hard to swallow,
but I just can’t sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow, but I know one fact, I’ll be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow, I’ll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow, but you’d have to walk a thousand miles

[Chorus]
In my shoes, just to see, what it’s like to be me
I’ll be you, let’s trade shoes, just to see what it’d be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine, go inside each others minds
Just to see, what we find, look at shit through each others eyes
But don’t let them say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
Don’t let them say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you

[Verse 2]
I think I’m starting to lose my sense of humor
Everything’s so tense and gloom, I
Almost feel like I gotta check the temperature of the room
Just as soon as I walk in, It’s like all eyes on me,
so I try to avoid any eye contact
Cause if I do that it then it opens the door for conversation,
like I want that
I’m not looking for extra attention, I just wanna be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room,
maybe just point me to the closest restroom
I don’t need no fuckin’ man servant,
trying to follow me around and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack, and half of them ain’t even funny,
like “Ha!
Marshall, you’re so funny man, you should be a comedian, god damn!”
Unfortunately I am, I just hide behind the tears of a clown
So why don’t you all sit down, listen to the tale I’m about to tell, hell
We don’t gotta trade our shoes, and you ain’t gotta walk no thousand miles

[Chorus]
In my shoes, just to see, what it’s like to be me
I’ll be you, let’s trade shoes, just to see what it’d be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine, go inside each others minds
Just to see, what we find, look at shit through each others eyes
But don’t let them say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
Don’t let them say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you

[Verse 3]
Nobody asked for life to deal us with these bullshit hands we’re dealt
We gotta take these cards ourselves, and flip them, don’t expect no help
Now I could of either just sat on my ass, and pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I’m placed in, and get up and get my own
I was never the type of kid to wait by the door and pack his bags
Or sat on the porch and hoped and prayed for a dad to show up who never
did
I just wanted to fit in in every single place, every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid even if it meant acting stupid
Aunt Edna always told me, keep making that face til it gets stuck like that
Meanwhile I’m just standing there holding my tongue,
trying to talk like this!
Then I stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign pole at eight years old
I learned my lesson then,
’cause I wasn’t trying to impress my friends no more
But I already told you my whole life story, not just based on my description
Cause where you see it form where you’re sitting,
is probably 110% different
I guess we would have to walk a miles in each others shoes at least
What size you wear, I wear 10’s, let’s see if you can fit your feet

[Chorus]
In my shoes, just to see, what it’s like to be me
I’ll be you, let’s trade shoes, just to see what it’d be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine, go inside each others minds
Just to see, what we find, look at shit through each others eyes
But don’t let them say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
Don’t let them say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you

[Outro]
Lately I’ve been hard to reach
I’ve been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone
Are you calling me
Are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me
I’m reaching out for you

Yeah, to my babies, stay strong, dad will be home soon
And to the rest of the world… God gave you them shoes, to fit you
So put them on and wear them… be yourself man,
be proud of who you are
Even if it sounds corny…
don’t ever let no one tell you, you ain’t beautiful

Help me

The friends have just left my place-
I am grateful to them in my heart.

I am out of control
Drank without any food in my stomach;
Reza senses I am troubled and stops me from downing my second glass
The comforts of friends and alcohol and the sun,
Dempsey
Stops the killing inside me for a minute.

Rushing home for him-
I eat some proper food.
Knocked out for half an hour.
Wake to feed him, buy food with sis and smoke.

Playing MJ when B1 Jaz and Jr arrives.
I don’t like myself anymore.
I am rude and irate to others.
I feel emotional.
They say its normal when you stop breastfeeding-
Would you accept me for who I am instead of asking me to change?
Like how Jesus accepted the woman at the well,
the sermon was talking about me.

The loneliness eats and gnaws me
I want to scream but no one hears me.
The alcohol and cigarettes are making me sick-
I realised they don’t make me feel better at all.

What can, when you hate everything, the whole world and yourself?

Somebody save me.

Party all night

Wednesday was wonderful-

Afternoon was baby’s visit to the doc. Then home, and leaving at 7-ish to meet B1 and her bf in town. I was so happy, with the festive lights, rain and a cigarette and good friends.

Aww.

It was awesome. Thanks to Sam G who came to town, drank one coke light and sent me home.

Thursday even better- went to ICA to register Baby’s birth, then back to woodlands, Sam G picks me and we rot in office waiting for Kelvin Tan. Another rainy day. To C’s, start drinking 1 mug beer, 1 doubleshot vodka cranberry, 1 lychee martini. Talking to boss in SJ, I finish his beer too. It was the best to go back and see the boys and b1 all waiting for me. Loves. Home at 2am-ish.

Friday was the best, Kelvin Tan picks me up at 9pm, then Sam G. We rot in the car for an hour. By the time we reached zouk I was groggy from being in the car 2 hours. Winebar, long island, 5 10, snow white and the 7 dwarves.

Shupz was awesome, I got all emo and called her and she came straight away. Drunk supper, back to pick them up and by then I was knocked out in the car. Second round of supper with Sam G can you believe it.

Stumbling home in my heels and drunk, in the morning sun, its been too long.

Saturday-

Dinner with Sam G., B1 and her bf comes over and we play games. I won totally in texas holdem, won all their chips. Heh heh.

They totally made my day if not I would have gone depressed staying home.

I will Make it

Fuck the emo shit. I cried my eyes out for an hour, and texted and called Daddy. I have decided to go back to work asap, holding two jobs.

He knows me so well I didn’t even need to go into details… whatever he said is 10x better than anyone have suggested, and telling me the solution is to find a nanny.

I am thankful for Daddy at the end of the road, this is not the first time he helped me when I was totally lost.

Becky, I will make it.
I will close at least 5 deals in December.
I will make at least a few k from C’s in December.
I will pay for the nanny my fuckingself.

I will get my license in June.
I will buy a car by end of 2010.

One day, when he grows up, Abraham will be so proud of me.

Are you ready? Cuz I am.

This is it

This is it, I’m pushed to my limit, on the brink.
The thought of suicide beckons and appeals suddenly,
she tempts and calls me.

Do not worry the nosy parkers around me,
the thought of it will remain so because.

I fantasize of what ifs what will be if it does,
the temptation of giving it all up,
cuz I’m tired and broken down to the end of the path.

Will you help me God please find a solution for me-
the problem lies herein I do not wish to be like this.

I despise how no one helps me in eliminating my problem-
I am blamed for “not being responsible”, and “its my duty”-
FUCK ALL THE SHIT.

I am restless and angry and I want to hurt myself.

I wish I can just FUCKING KILL MYSELF.

Terrific Tuesday

Alrighty, Kel picks me up at 4pm, I make him wait for 20 minutes cuz I was still getting ready. We were going to send the guys off at the airport. He had to wait for me again when we got to the airport cuz I had to reglue my eyelash. Zzz. Having shitty make up ruins my day.

Haha, I forgot who it was who spotted the word “Enjoy” in our background.

Manulifers: Samao and me. The talented Manulifer and the newbie.

Reza very happy as usual. He is my louder hailer.

Corporate

I could fit into my black a-line skirt from secondary school days.

WORE HEELS. ZOMG ITS BEEN HALF A YEAR.

My side view looked deceptively skinny. Felt good.
In the car, plugged in my ipod.

Back to the office, Mentor briefs me, go through paperwork. He asks me if I have took up smoking again… I nod.

Nice to see Audrey back in the office too, she gave birth a few days ahead of me. I think she is pretty without any make up. So funny she told us she secretly smoked a few sticks after birth too, heh heh. Man all the mothers I know smokes still after birth, and these are successful accomplished and wonderful mothers. Hmm.

Smoked 2 sticks with him and had coffee. The morning sun and familiar sights. Its been too long.

Meeting, my impression of our newbie is improved.

On the way home it rains.

Could you do it for me? Would you do it for your family?

Body issues

Kelvin Tan and I have an agreement by Dec 15 we would have a challenge to see who lost more weight based on percentage.

I ate so much today-
one piece white bread
1 vitashake
one coffee
2 squares hershey’s chocolate
1 salmon
taupok, potatoes
1/2 plate rice
3 pieces of bread
1 milo choc

Can’t lose.

My point is I feel so guilty about the bread I ate and my stomach is bloated and I get pissed off.