I had the best weekend ever in a long time, Sat being Sis’s bday party= me going out and smelling the outside air, wtf. Sunday was church.

Church was great- its like a full circle, 4 years later and its back to the chapter of Job. Jesus is amazing… I don’t even want to pen down all my emotions here. But as I walked out of the hall after service, it felt great with the sun on my face.

Went to East Coast food centre- yes it was my bloody first time there lor. It was great- like newton on the beach. Chatted for hours with the usual Sunday gang. Saw this fucker carrying a baby and smoking at the same time- I felt like slapping him.

Went to Chijmes to collect my tau sar pia for my stupid dad, of course my great family who gave me shit about going home late afterwards did not know this, I hope they all will feel guilty like hell when they know one day cuz I don’t bother to tell them this. Eugene is a dear to remember how I always buy that for my dad and bought some for me, when he came back from Msia a few days ago- but I don’t know why he didn’t bring them to chijmes. Anyway had a nice apple crumble with ice cream- loves. Chilled with B1 and her bf, Sam G and Kelvin who all were smokers. I was the odd one out in the two days; have too many smokers in my life to quit. Its not an excuse, its a fact.

Was content when Kelvin drove me and Sam back, and was on the way home when he forgot something, and I was happy cuz I got to see the Orchard lights TWO TIMES cuz he had to drive back home again. Leon calls and I scream at him. I sometimes pity the guys in my life who get all my shit.

This Christmas, I have a baby to celebrate with me…

Oh but when I got home it was hell all over- quarreled and screamed at my mom and aunt, didn’t bother to answer my dad cuz I hate him. They kept giving me shit about “No more milk”. For fuck’s sake, no milk is ZERO, ZILCH, NADA. I just snapped, “You guys all PISS the shit out of me, that’s why I can’t increase my milk”.

I already said days earlier I’d be out today. I feel like a prisoner, mom interrogating every single detail why I came home so late so late.

Fucking hate them.

*

Leon was a blessing, talking to him while all the shit happen at home, pumping milk. He says he will be there for me, and wants to be my “part-time” boyfriend/husband before I find one, cuz he says he won’t let me feel I’m alone and not doted on.

I didn’t say yes… when my heart is abused by E. Game over dude. Talking aboout E when Sam G picks me up earlier for church, asking about his stupid behaviour by them. It looks bad, I don’t bother to explain what he done for me in the past because it looks weak, and lame.

E, why are you the same.

Even if I’m all by myself it doesn’t matter, rebounds or stand in just do not work.

This is Sis’s fav pic. She like to la ji. HAHAHAHA.

See I’m celebrity sia, all the flash light. My legs look skinny, yeahs. I can’t remember taking this pic lor, and I didn’t and couldn’t drink alcohol, mind you.

Talking to Jenny and her friend, new people I met.

The fridge full of alcohol I couldn’t touch wtf.

Smiles with Aldwin.

I had fun.

Like the Bon Jovi song.

I’m all made up and dressed up, and my dress borrowed from sis fits me perfectly- I’m very pleased. Waiting to go out of the house, mom is fussing over baby.

I’m feeling good. Happy.

I wish I can drink though.

Yesterday was great- I slept soundly from 4-8pm thanks to my meds. Had a family gathering at night, it was dear Uncle Derek’s 70th birthday. I love my Aunty Christine and Uncle Derek to bits. It was an “Aww” moment when my uncle who is this big Caucasian was stroking my small little Asian baby’s cheek, and telling me “He’s beautiful”.

Baby was fascinated by him, staring at him and smiling at him. I think my baby likes whites. Wtf.

It was a nice evening of getting to eat curry, finally. Conversations, and how my uncle made some points really clear. Like how mom don’t understand me at all.

Happy Birthday Uncle Derek, I wish I was rich so I can buy Windows 7 for him lor.

He kept repeating one thing… saying baby is so vulnerable and he depends on me for his all.

*

The best thing is, Sis also made my going to her party tonight possible!!! Aunty Christine will babysit baby. PARTY TIME PEOPLE. Minus alcohol and ciggies, but its better than nothing.

*

Something incredible happened today… I put baby to sleep right beside me on my bed, cuz he did not finish his milk and he would probably wake a few minutes later, and I was so tired I tucked him next to me- something I have not done because I was afraid of squishing him to death.

Anyway the miraculous thing is he kept really quiet and didn’t make any noises, not even his phelgm noises and squeaks which mom said means he is “growing”… and slept for 5 hours straight.

Mom was really surprised when she panicked in the morning, looking for him in the cot and on the sofa and he was nowhere to be found. I told her how he have been sleeping straight and was surprised myself when I saw the time and it was 8.30am already, from 3.30am when I tucked him in.

Mom concluded Baby was comforted by my scent and he needed love.

Please God, make this Baby loving my smell routine last. The 5 hours of sleep made me feel very rested indeed, sleeping properly at night…

Freedom is very very important to me, I have realised. I know why I’m so miserable now because I have lost my freedom. Things will get better very soon, its the weekend already. Just one more week to end this nightmare.

I am feeling very high because I made a decision, for myself. Its a secret for now.

E is back, I knew it, I just had this feeling… he apologized and told me he is very busy.

Now, fuck you. I’m loving you less, and walking away. By the time you realised, it will be too late…

I walked out on many boyfriends before… and once I decided to go, its no turning back. When I had enough its done.

I’m walking out on him by making a decision whereby I ignore his feelings.

Kent talked to me yesterday night on msn… and Hussein talked to me on FB chat. Kent was trying to ask me about Baby’s full month, and after that he said, Hey you heard about S? While I was waiting for his reply, Hussein was talking to me. I was guarded at first, thinking he wanted to nose around about Baby. I already had a bad feeling when Hussein asked me the same question. You heard about S?

I name him S to give him privacy, I’m not close to him and I think a little privacy would be respectful to him. Just like how I would like people to be respectful of mine.

Anyway I found out he passed away in a bike accident. I just felt very empty and sad, feeling ashamed of how much I complain about my life when lives are suddenly snuffed out. My first encounters with death of people my age was in secondary 1 when my classmate passed away in a traffic accident. Then it was yet another schoolmate years later when we graduated, a nice boy who was close to Bestie. This year my classmate in Kaplan passed away so suddenly. Now its yet another secondary schoolmate.

I admit I can’t recall clearly who is that schoolmate… that’s how not close we were. But I still feel very sad.

My condolences my friend. I hope you’re in a better place now, in Heaven. Sometimes Life is too short.

Yesterday night I was naughty. Not in the kinky way, I’m living such a sad life the only dick I have contact with is my son’s. Naughty because I had a few spoonfuls of my Soy Dream chocolate ice cream… I miss being pregnant so much. Although I’m very pleased I’m lost all my pregnancy weight in my first week after delivery, I’m very depressed coped up at home. When I was pregnant, I still went out and stayed out late, I ate wadeva I liked, and he was no trouble.

Anyway, the ice cream cheered me up. Chocolate does contain antioxidants.

Endorphines make me think of the Dai Yin Mai song for E. Then I get depressed, because he is driving me nuts. I hate how he’s acting, we haven’t spoken in days, I’m freaking out. Jasmine says she had a good impression of him till she read about how much I complained about him here.

I hate missing people. I hate how helpless you make me feel. I hate how fucking you’re not in my life.
Perhaps I shouldn’t have even started with you, when it will end up the same.

Still as irritated with mom. Kinda sad we’re not talking to each other as much- like first few days of confinement, would look forward to talking cock with mom after a long day of boredom at home.

Went to my room and stoned in the evening, staring at the ceiling than to talk to my relatives who came over to “see the baby”. Totally feel like Im in prison. I feel fucking angry- see see see. Treat him like a toy. Who’s the one who has to look after him in the middle of the night? Me. Who’s the one stuck at home, cannot go out because of him? Me. I just resent people so much now. I’m a disgusting resentful freak.

Aww feel touched when I see what my sis wrote as comment…. she encourages me for breastfeeding baby- though I’m getting really frustrated.

I had enough of living my life for him. Breastfeeding- because of him. Confinement, because of him. Fucked up sleep time- because of him. So many changes, because of him. I’m not feeling very rosy towards him now- fuck you if you judge- I guess all parents have a “I don’t love my child very much” day.

Talked to Daddy just now. Am prolly going back if I can’t get another job, most likely after I stop breastfeeding in a month or two. $6k of baby’s hospital bills + $1k of sch fees in debt. Plus other costs.

Life is easy???

Here’s my key
philosophy
A freak like me
Just needs infinity
Infinity, infinity

Relax
Take your time

And take your time
To trust in me
And you will find
Infinity, infinity, infinity
Infinity, infinity, infinity
Infinity, infinity, infinity
Infinity, infinity, infinity

And take your time
To trust in me
And you will find
Infinity, infinity
Infinity, infinity
Infinity, infinity
Infinity

The time goes by
So naturally
Why you’ll receive
Infinity, infinity, infinity
Infinity, infinity, infinity
Infinity

Here’s my key
philosophy
A freak like me
Just needs infinity, infinity

Relax
Take your time

And take your time
To trust in me
And you will find
Infinity, infinity, infinity
Infinity, infinity, infinity
Infinity, infinity, infinity
Infinity, infinity, infinity
Infinity

And take your time
To trust in me
And you will find

The time goes by
So naturally
Why you’ll receive
Infinïty, infinity, infinity, infinity
Infinity, infinity, infinity, infinity
Infinity, infinity, infinity.

- I promise myself to suffer through another one more month before I give up breast feeding. Maximum is by January as I would have APM anyways. I look forward to APM- getting away and partying all I want. I need to think positive for him.

- Sam L text me to go partyworld tonight. I feel like crying because I cannot go out at all.

- B1 organized cycling trip after church. That I can’t go as well.

- Where the FUCK is E?!?! IHATEYOU.

- 10 more days till my fucking confinement ends. So what? Still can’t drink and smoke, missing out on sis’s bday. I really fucking hate my life.

- I really want to go back C’s as I would have at least my 4 digit income back, my freedom to stay out and do things I used to. I would be able to stop breastfeeding too. I know the uproar if I do that. Fuckin shit.

Seems like everything is WAIT WAIT WAIT.

I feel very perplexed and frustrated.