When you’re going crazy inside, the music always helps. Every song u relate to, they sing your story for you.

*

Ohh, caught in a bad romance
Ohh, caught in a bad romance

Rah rah, ah ah ahh
Rah muh, Rah muh muh
GaGa, ohh lala
Want your bad romance

I need a new outlet
And I know some shits so hard to swallow,
but I just can’t sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow, but I know one fact, I’ll be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow, I’ll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow, but you’d have to walk a thousand miles

Eminem says it all for me, like it is.

My friends can only do so much, they help me analyze and guess

This feeling is making me sick, its driving me nuts

Why does it always happen to me.

One day, I’ll look back and these days would be the best I ever had when you’re too far away from me.

I wish I could write down every single detail, evey single second of being with you so that when I’m missing you, it’d be of comfort.

You’re amazing.

Even if so, the everyday life and routine is sprinkled with happiness. Even being sick doesn’t bother you, the throat hurts like mad, the coughing doesn’t allow you to sleep.

Stuck at home, but thinking of you makes me happy.

I have to remind myself to stay close to the Lord, playing one or two Hillsong songs helps me to calm myself when I get upset being home, reminds me of you and how grateful I should be in my life for the many blessings that I have.

Baby is not sleeping beside me tonight because of my flu and cough but in my mom’s room. I feel so weird he’s not beside me, I couldn’t sleep and got up and used the computer.

*
I finally watched Paranormal yesterday, its not the movie but the company that I liked the most. I just want Katie to shut up most of the time- whine whine whine.

I think it says something about you, when you’re not frightened at all by the movie by the reality in comparison to being broke, young and a single parent.

I hate having my freedom taken away from me. I fear Dad’s gona lose the store and we’d be homeless n broke, kinda explains why I’m in insurance, and the constant uncertainties in life is what scares the shit out of me the most. I hate how I fight with my mom and my family since the baby came cuz I behave like a spoilt brat and I do, and its not their fault but mine, and I act like they owe me a living. It pisses the shit out of me I can’t stay out as late as I want to. It enrages me people say “I’m not a good mother” cuz the idea of parenthood to them is staying home n fucking staring at the kid 24/7. They forgot I still have a life and I’m fucking 21 giveme a fucking break.

Demons? I have too many in my life already.

I was having NOTHING to my name, with a baby I am not prepared to handle at all-
yet God gave me friends like you, and Junior. Yeah I not shy, write out his name.

Yeah I was very jaded, now a little less so.

*
Jesus, all my fears will fade away when I see you
When I see you
Its the One Thing that I need,
Your presence is all that I ever seek.

- The One Thing, Angela Ng
*

Thank God I found you, its true.

So I was saying my com crashed cuz the best thing just happened to me in my life. In life, you gotta have a balance, and since the most recent thing happened which is totally a blessing and a gift, something’s gotta give? That’s just my reason why my com went nuts the next day I was rushing for my interview and it just frigging hanged, and I was trying desperately to save my resume on a thumbdrive to print, and gave up.
And as if God was trying to say, No missy, you can have it all! And my com came back to life. Heh heh.

Baby is restless now but at least he’s not crying. My throat is so effing pain I don’t even have appetite to eat dinner, and the whole of yesterday I didn’t eat at all till 5am in the morning and it was a bun. Yeah, full on love can already.

*

It’s been crazy, magic kind of good crazy, these few days and I don’t want to share it, its like the best things you always find a loss of words to write it down. Nothing does it justice- you could write the word Happy and it comes short of experiencing it yourself.

*

The city lights, the boys and the balcony smokes. The kind of feeling you are surprised to have. The anticipation and thrill when I see you. The kind of secret you’re happy to be sharing. The debauchery kind of high, but enough to make sense and know what you’re talking about. The cheeky “Auto or manual” question which you told everyone the next day. The talking, the privarcy only the middle of the night could bring. The intimate conversation which belongs to the both of us, special and exclusive. The urgency to tell you, time was a catalyst and I had nothing to lose, and winning just regrets if I never told you my “proposal”. You asked me how could I know its you, when I know nothing at all about you, which I am sure there was something, just the feeling you gave me to make me affirm its the right thing.

How do I even start, how can I even try to put it in words? They’re all asking for Our Story.

I’m applying for cabin crew… for what I don’t know but at least flying away takes the pain away. Right?

Today was great- Kelvin tan comes pick me, make a round turn when we were already on the highway to pick up JR, then the hippie couple. Kelvin Tan is really a good guy, note to all the single ladies excluding me cuz I’m his friend- I was puking cuz by the time we reached Jaz’s place it was 10.30pm and he picked me up at 9.18pm.

Supper, damn fun, over dim sum. Laughter, good food and friends.

Kelvin really is so funny. Jr is alluring in his quiet presence- like how he was seething mad when traffic was slow to a crawl and he kept quiet. His driving is better than Kelvin Tan who drives at 60mph.

Home, baby shat his whole diaper.

*

Hey. I have a crush suddenly.

Is this an answer or more questions shall lead? Right now, I’m crazy over him thinking nonstop. What the hell.

All I want to do is to hold his hand with the song My Love stuck in my hand.

I can see us holding hands,
Walking down the beach
Our toes in the sand.

These hormonal changes have got to stop. Yesterday I was depressed and today I am infatuated.

[Intro]
Lately I’ve been hard to reach
I’ve been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone
Are you calling me
Are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me
I’m reaching out for you

[Verse 1]
I’m just so fucking depressed, I just can’t seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump,
but I need something to pull me out this dump
I took my bruises, took my lumps, fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up,
in order for me to pick the mic back up
I don’t know how or why or when, I ended up in this position I’m in
I’m startin’ to feel distant again, so I decided just to pick this pen
Up to try to make an attempt to vent, but I just can’t admit
Or come to grips with the fact that I may be done with rap,
I need a new outlet
And I know some shits so hard to swallow,
but I just can’t sit back and wallow
In my own sorrow, but I know one fact, I’ll be one tough act to follow
One tough act to follow, I’ll be one tough act to follow
Here today, gone tomorrow, but you’d have to walk a thousand miles

[Chorus]
In my shoes, just to see, what it’s like to be me
I’ll be you, let’s trade shoes, just to see what it’d be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine, go inside each others minds
Just to see, what we find, look at shit through each others eyes
But don’t let them say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
Don’t let them say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you

[Verse 2]
I think I’m starting to lose my sense of humor
Everything’s so tense and gloom, I
Almost feel like I gotta check the temperature of the room
Just as soon as I walk in, It’s like all eyes on me,
so I try to avoid any eye contact
Cause if I do that it then it opens the door for conversation,
like I want that
I’m not looking for extra attention, I just wanna be just like you
Blend in with the rest of the room,
maybe just point me to the closest restroom
I don’t need no fuckin’ man servant,
trying to follow me around and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack, and half of them ain’t even funny,
like “Ha!
Marshall, you’re so funny man, you should be a comedian, god damn!”
Unfortunately I am, I just hide behind the tears of a clown
So why don’t you all sit down, listen to the tale I’m about to tell, hell
We don’t gotta trade our shoes, and you ain’t gotta walk no thousand miles

[Chorus]
In my shoes, just to see, what it’s like to be me
I’ll be you, let’s trade shoes, just to see what it’d be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine, go inside each others minds
Just to see, what we find, look at shit through each others eyes
But don’t let them say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
Don’t let them say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you

[Verse 3]
Nobody asked for life to deal us with these bullshit hands we’re dealt
We gotta take these cards ourselves, and flip them, don’t expect no help
Now I could of either just sat on my ass, and pissed and moaned
Or take this situation in which I’m placed in, and get up and get my own
I was never the type of kid to wait by the door and pack his bags
Or sat on the porch and hoped and prayed for a dad to show up who never
did
I just wanted to fit in in every single place, every school I went
I dreamed of being that cool kid even if it meant acting stupid
Aunt Edna always told me, keep making that face til it gets stuck like that
Meanwhile I’m just standing there holding my tongue,
trying to talk like this!
Then I stuck my tongue on that frozen stop sign pole at eight years old
I learned my lesson then,
’cause I wasn’t trying to impress my friends no more
But I already told you my whole life story, not just based on my description
Cause where you see it form where you’re sitting,
is probably 110% different
I guess we would have to walk a miles in each others shoes at least
What size you wear, I wear 10’s, let’s see if you can fit your feet

[Chorus]
In my shoes, just to see, what it’s like to be me
I’ll be you, let’s trade shoes, just to see what it’d be like to
Feel your pain, you feel mine, go inside each others minds
Just to see, what we find, look at shit through each others eyes
But don’t let them say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you
Don’t let them say you ain’t beautiful
They can all get fucked, just stay true to you

[Outro]
Lately I’ve been hard to reach
I’ve been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone
Are you calling me
Are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me
I’m reaching out for you

Yeah, to my babies, stay strong, dad will be home soon
And to the rest of the world… God gave you them shoes, to fit you
So put them on and wear them… be yourself man,
be proud of who you are
Even if it sounds corny…
don’t ever let no one tell you, you ain’t beautiful

The friends have just left my place-
I am grateful to them in my heart.

I am out of control
Drank without any food in my stomach;
Reza senses I am troubled and stops me from downing my second glass
The comforts of friends and alcohol and the sun,
Dempsey
Stops the killing inside me for a minute.

Rushing home for him-
I eat some proper food.
Knocked out for half an hour.
Wake to feed him, buy food with sis and smoke.

Playing MJ when B1 Jaz and Jr arrives.
I don’t like myself anymore.
I am rude and irate to others.
I feel emotional.
They say its normal when you stop breastfeeding-
Would you accept me for who I am instead of asking me to change?
Like how Jesus accepted the woman at the well,
the sermon was talking about me.

The loneliness eats and gnaws me
I want to scream but no one hears me.
The alcohol and cigarettes are making me sick-
I realised they don’t make me feel better at all.

What can, when you hate everything, the whole world and yourself?

Somebody save me.

Wednesday was wonderful-

Afternoon was baby’s visit to the doc. Then home, and leaving at 7-ish to meet B1 and her bf in town. I was so happy, with the festive lights, rain and a cigarette and good friends.

Aww.

It was awesome. Thanks to Sam G who came to town, drank one coke light and sent me home.

Thursday even better- went to ICA to register Baby’s birth, then back to woodlands, Sam G picks me and we rot in office waiting for Kelvin Tan. Another rainy day. To C’s, start drinking 1 mug beer, 1 doubleshot vodka cranberry, 1 lychee martini. Talking to boss in SJ, I finish his beer too. It was the best to go back and see the boys and b1 all waiting for me. Loves. Home at 2am-ish.

Friday was the best, Kelvin Tan picks me up at 9pm, then Sam G. We rot in the car for an hour. By the time we reached zouk I was groggy from being in the car 2 hours. Winebar, long island, 5 10, snow white and the 7 dwarves.

Shupz was awesome, I got all emo and called her and she came straight away. Drunk supper, back to pick them up and by then I was knocked out in the car. Second round of supper with Sam G can you believe it.

Stumbling home in my heels and drunk, in the morning sun, its been too long.

Saturday-

Dinner with Sam G., B1 and her bf comes over and we play games. I won totally in texas holdem, won all their chips. Heh heh.

They totally made my day if not I would have gone depressed staying home.